Heavy Loss

Well, I have debating whether or not I should speak about what has recently happened to our little family.  After thinking about it and talking about it with Clayton we have come to the conclusion that writing about it and speaking about what has happened will help us heal.  So here it goes....

On August 16, 2012 I found out that we were expecting another precious baby!!  We couldn't be happier and I even have Clayton's reaction to how I told him he was going to be another daddy all on video.   Everything in my pregnancy was going so smoothly.  I had all of the symptoms one would have in early pregnancy.  My morning sickness was literally ALL day sickness, but I couldn't be happier.  It is all worth it.  We went it for our first OB appointment on Sept. 7, 2012 where my blood levels were perfect and we saw our little bean on the ultrasound with a strong heartbeat.  This is when we told Abigail she was going to be a big sister and I have never seen a 3 year old SO excited to be a big sister.  She would constantly kiss my belly and say, "Big sister loves you baby brother or sister",  or she would say, "I love you so much, baby".  She started telling random strangers at the grocery store that "Mommy has my baby in her belly".  She started setting her toys aside for the new baby and wanted to go shopping for the baby.  I never thought she would actually understand what was happening or get so excited.  Everything was going great...more than great.

Well, it was 3:30pm, September 25, 2012 (about 9 1/2 weeks pregnant) when I just didn't feel right.  I started having mild cramps and even though I still had major symptoms of being/feeling pregnant (morning sickness, breast tenderness...you know the drill)  I just had a bad feeling and began bawling.  Later that evening I told Clayton I wanted to go to the ER to check things out because I had a "bad feeling" and usually my "feelings" are always almost accurate.  We went to the ER where the doctors checked my blood levels, urine and then a transvaginal ultrasound.  After waiting for 2 hours in the hospital room the doctor came in and shook his head with a sad face.  As soon as I saw him I began bawling hysterically.  I don't even remember what he had said but I knew that my baby was gone.  Even writing this brings back the tears but I think it is what I need to do to heal.  Anyway, nurse after nurse came in to try to comfort me but all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and just cry.  Once we got home I saw my sweet Abigail and started to cry again. My mother was there taking care of Abigail while we were at the hospital and I just dropped everything and ran into her arms and together we cried.   I tried not to let Abigail see me but she knew something was up.   She wanted me to hold her and as I was holding her she said, "Mommy, I am so sorry the baby is sick"...."God didn't mean it".  I couldn't hold back the tears and I just held my precious Abigail for 5 minutes or more.  I didn't want to let go.

On September 26, 2012, (Ironic that 10 years ago on this day, Clayton and I first met in college and have been together ever since) my body started the process of miscarrying the baby.  I couldn't go into work on this day because I was just a complete emotional wreck all day.  Luckily, Abigail was at school where her wonderful teachers were with her. 

On September 27, 2012 my body was in full blown miscarriage mode.  I felt horrible cramps that felt like contractions for about 6 hours.  I apologize for TMI, but there is no other way to explain a miscarriage without it.  After about 6 hours of agonizing cramps and contractions I passed the baby and placenta at around 3:30 pm after I gave blood for another hCg level reading.  Once the baby and placent had passed I no longer had intense cramps and contractions.  It was kind of like when you have a baby.  I once  again was an emotional wreck.  The theme this week in our household is "Brooke = crying".  I miss the baby that was growing inside me.  I am so saddened that I couldn't keep him or her safe and that his or her life could not make it for whatever reasons.  April 25, 2012 would have been the due date so this will be a very hard day for me for sure.  Life does go on, but I will never forget this baby and I am eased in knowing that I will see my baby again one day.  Everyday is a new day and I feel so incredibly Blessed to have our beautiful Abigail in our lives.  What a miracle she is.  It is now September 29, 2012 and although I am still sad and going through this, I feel a little bit better.  I know that God does not make mistakes and He has a plan for our family.

I will continue to go to the doctor to have my hCg levels checked until they reach below 5.  On Thursday my levels were 2800 and for a normal 9 week pregnant woman they are usually 300,000....so they have certainly dropped.  I have a follow up OB appointment with my doctor on October 12, 2012 to make sure everything has been passed.  I will keep you posted on how things are going. 

Aside from all of what has happened to us this, Abigail had a bad fall with her daddy on September 7,2012 and broke her right tibia and fibula.  She has been in a hot pink cast since September 12th and it finally gets to come off on October 9th!!!

There is never really a dull moment in our little family. :-)  We are looking forward to the future and God's plan for the Wisian family.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.